I Am Flawed

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Flawed “What is your worst quality?”

When I read this I didn’t want to answer it – mainly because my flaws are a big deal to me. Plus, I don’t know if I could pick just one worst quality. I definitely have a couple qualities that are capable of being deemed my worst quality. That seems bad, doesn’t it? Oh well. I created this blog so I could start expressing my thoughts, so I’m not going to hold anything back.

I have a problem trusting people.

Seems cliche but it’s true. I’m not exactly sure when this problem started. It hasn’t always been an issue in my life. I was probably too trusting at one point. That’s hard to believe considering where I am now in this area. I just have a really hard time believing people are genuine – I feel as though they always have an ulterior motive that I don’t know about. In return, I have a hard time forming relationships with anyone. I push people away. If I took the time to think about why this even because an issue in the first place, I could probably overcome it, but honestly, I don’t think I want to think about it.

I have low self esteem. 

This is something I hate to admit. I really hate to admit this. Why? I don’t know. I guess I like to think of myself as someone who is bubbling with all of this confidence, but that’s just not true. Granted – I have moments where I feel happy with who I am as a person – but it never lasts for very long. I always manage to knock myself down. Something that really bothers me is when people try and make you feel bad for having self esteem issues. I’ve been told things like “Confidence is key” or “I like confidence so be confident.” This normally results in an intense, prolonged irritated look on my face. I realize confidence is key and most people do prefer someone who is confident, but just because I know this, does not mean I can suddenly become secure with myself. It’s a work in process.

I worry way too much. 

I worry about anything and everything. I don’t like the idea of not knowing what’s going to happen down the road – it’s scary in my opinion. I worry that my future isn’t going to turn out like I planned. I worry that I’m not going in the right direction. I worry that people don’t really care (which coincides with the whole low self esteem thing). Most of the things I worry about are small and irrelevant but I still manage to worry anyways. I am happy to say this one has gotten better lately. I have learned to accept things and worry less.

 

All in all, everyone is flawed. Many people see flaws in a negative light – I definitely do this when taking my own flaws into consideration – but flaws are just another thing that makes us all unique. What’s so negative about that? Absolutely nothing! If you can’t change it, embrace it.

 

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I Am Flawed

Holding on and Letting Go

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Letting go is never easy. Ever. No matter what it is – toxic relationships, friendships, the past – it doesn’t matter, it hurts like hell to let anything go. At least, it’s always been that way for me.

There’s a quote by David Foster Wallace that states: “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks in it.” I relate with this quote more than I am willing to admit. I’ve always struggled with letting things go. And when I say struggled, I mean really struggled. I don’t think there’s ever been a time when I let something go with ease. I just don’t like change. To be honest, it completely terrifies me.

As of now, I am currently in the process of trying to let go of someone I love. A part of me is starting to believe it’s never going to happen, but deep down I know I need to. But how? How do you let go of someone you love? Do you just stop communicating with them and hope for the best? Try and fool your heart by attempting to think of them less? I don’t know. The more I think about it, the more it drives me insane.

Despite all of that, I know this is something I need to do. I need to figure out a way to just…let go. Why? Because the person I love is leaving. He’s moving and he does not plan on me going with him, nor does he plan on trying to make a long distance relationship work. I had myself convinced that my love would be enough – that somehow he would change his mind about going, or he would realize he wants me there as well – but that never happened. I can’t be selfish in this situation, either. I need to allow him to chase his dreams, even if those dreams don’t include me. When you love someone you have to make sacrifices, right?

This relationship, or ex-relationship I should say, undoubtedly has my claw marks etched into it. I tried so desperately to hold on, to change his mind somehow. I tried for so long to try and salvage a relationship that he no longer wanted or desired. I just didn’t want to let go of the guy that was once my absolute best friend. The guy who I loved with all of my heart.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to the fact that I am the only one struggling in this situation – at least, that’s the way he’s made it seem. He’s already found a way to let go, and now, so do I. Somehow. I will find a way to let go.

 

 

 

Holding on and Letting Go